A Series Of Conversations
Part One
It was years of thinking it was only me. Remembering moments I have never spoken of. Pictures in my mind, so vivid yet also faded, I thought I had imagined everything. Never mumbling a word of our shared memories-- not even to you. From the beginning we had this secret language, but as time passed and distance came our tongues changed. Somehow when we came back together, when we spoke again, you could hear old accents buried somewhere underneath. I felt like a foreigner coming home. Your presence stirred up what had be laying dormant in me. Being a “gypsy kid” can be dangerous— because it's crazy what nostalgia can do to you.
~
[Inner thoughts]:
What was I thinking? What are we even going to talk about? You are two completely different people now, that is beyond obvious-- A blind man could see it. Plus you literally haven't spoken in yearrrrrrs. WHAT ON EARTH would we have in common today?
Better yet, why did I even mention I was here. Especially after what happened last year when I came-- I'm still pissed about that.
This is going to be awkward, and I'm probably going to spend more time getting over there than this whole thing is going to last, but whatever...at least I made an effort. Besides, he agreed. I mean, he agreed last time as well and never showed up--I hate that!
Seriously, who does that??
What is wrong with me-
I'm never like this. I think I'm actually nervous. Ew, get it together. Alright, just- try and be normal, whatever that means and let's just do this. It's only one night, no big deal...
:[end]
Our location and time were set. You said you'd plan the night, so I let you take the lead and acted like a stranger in my own territory. I wanted to make things as easy as possible. I was excited and nervous because I knew how I felt, and I cared about what you thought of me. Spent hours preceding our first reunion laying every hair, lifting every lash, and making sure my outfit was a mix between-- I look good, but I didn't have to try hard either. When I finally saw you-
Bomber jacket, green hoodie, black sweats, black sneakers
-I'll never forget your huge smile, chinky eyes, and the first words out of your mouth…
"Hey!!!! How have you been, it's so good to see you. Do you have to pee?”
I died laughing as I responded "no", but apparently you did, so we went in search of a bathroom. After that, I instantly relaxed because it was a reminder that you were just as chill as me. There was no need to front or pretend in front of one another. Which is ironic because, our relationship would develop into a dance between walking on eggshells, for the sake of not hurting the other’s feelings, and brutal honesty. I, always preferring the second, and you, the first, but only in an effort to protect me. I'm not sure if all this time you thought I was fragile, or if it is just in your nature to always protect the things you love. But this was just our first meeting and the beginning of our first conversation.
It lasted hours...and into the next day
We talked about things we've seen, but never discussed face to face
"You": I see you're always traveling out there doing your thing. That's crazy-- and how's school?
"Me": Yeah, it's been amazing, and you, I saw your feature! How is all of that going?
We reminisced about things in the past
"You": Hey, you remember years ago when we use to hang out all the time and I--
"Me": --Nope.
"You": o_0 oook-ayyyy
We talked about transitions that had taken place in our lives
"Me": I mean it was definitely hard and I don't think you can understand why adults do what they do when you're a kid, but I figure I'm an adult now, so I just have to let some things go and make sure I can take care of myself. I can't control what other people decide to do-
"You": -It's crazy because we're not even that close. He doesn't talk to me, so I don't bother with him either. I used to feel obligated, but why should I if he doesn't even try you know what I mean? It sucks, but- it is what it is.
We went from place to place to place eating our weight in food and desserts unconsciously finding ways for the night not to end.
We filled each other in on the parts of our lives that we missed. As you told your stories you constantly repeated "ok, so don't judge me", as if you thought I was some kind of saint. I would laugh and tell you not to worry. You would always start out with some random story, and along the way, there would be a shift. You'd switch from anecdotes to deeper topics. These moments were always initiated by you, and I remember being genuinely shocked that you talked so much. Maybe you were just comfortable, and somehow I could tell when the transition came I was seeing a part of yourself you rarely shared. It would be months later that you would confirm that thought.
That night you told me how people who you thought were closer than your blood had turned on you and hung you out to dry. How the ones closest to you, who should have loved you, walked away without looking back, but it didn't matter because you didn't need them anyway. It was their loss. "You should never depend on anybody for anything- for nothing, Chantel!" You said that to me like it was a life lesson you had learned and were trying to pass down. That any amount of success you would ever reach would be because you did it on your own, and you would have no one to thank but yourself.
Seeing through your veiled attempt to not care I recognized the need for self-preservation. See, because I lie to myself too when rejection stings that badly. Convincing myself there must have been a reason, a greater purpose, a BIGGER PICTURE as to why that person left me. So I should just be thankful, right? In truth, I think we were both afraid to let people in that close, again. Rejection is something we both understood too well and it'd be something we'd bond over later. However, this was only our first conversation, and it was too early for brutal honesty, so I twirled amongst the cracked shells and said
-"no one is meant to do everything completely on their own. We all need people, a community, of some sort. You'll be more successful and get more things done. You just have to surround yourself with the right kind of people fam."
What I should have said:
I'm so sorry that people you loved and felt should have protected you were the ones who hurt your heart and caused it pain. I know all too well how that feels, but your unwillingness to forgive and let it go is hurting you in ways you may not even see. It's been years since we've spoken, but know that I have missed you all that time. If you allow me to, I will have your back, and I will be there for you in whatever capacity you may need to the best of my ability. Fam, you won't ever have to wonder if I will just up and bounce. Let me be a part of your "community."
Except, no one just says that.
To this day I cherish the moments you let me in behind your walls, took my hand, and walked me around your mind and heart showing me what lives there. Even if you only showed me the areas you thought I could handle. I never told you this, but I considered it a privilege that you felt safe enough to allow me to occupy that space. There was this mutual, unspoken, understanding. I knew, that for both of us, sharing that space took trust, and trust- was meant to be earned. There are secrets you shared I will forever keep for myself.
When the sharing was over, and the hood of your car was no longer a comfortable place to sit, we called it a night and you took me home.
Dinner
Dessert
Hours of conversation
Sharing, agreeing/disagreeing
Always respecting each others views and boundaries
Home
This would become our routine
for the next two years.