A Series Of Conversations
Part Two
Several Months Later
11:25pm
I wish I could adequately describe
to you what our friendship means to
me. I am beyond grateful for the fact
that we have been able to talk and
reconnect recently (like within the past
year, not just last week lol). I want
you to know how much I
care about you. You’re capable of
amazing things, and I love that you know that
already (as COCKY as you are sometimes smh lol).
I love who you are as a person and that our
conversations are (1) hilarious & (2) some of the
most honest ones I’ve ever had with anyone.
Thank you for giving me the space to be
completely me, and be seen. I hope
you’re happy with where you’re at, and
if not, I hope you have the courage
to change things however you see fit.
I love you.
[Delivered]
Next Morning
[Inner Dialogue]: I hate Brene Brown. Who is she to tell me to be open and vulnerable? To B E B R A V E and “lean into the discomfort”. This heifer basically encouraged me to throw my very safe friendship to the wind by trying to cloud everything with f e e l i n g s.
We.know.I.do.not.do.feelings…
Okay,okay I do not do feelings-- out loud. Cause Lord knows I am sensitive.
But really, whose fault is this? It’s not Brene Brown’s fault. Noooooo Neh Neh didn’t press send, my stupid self did.
I watch ONE TedTalk and a Documentary, and suddenly I decide to “dare greatly” and be bold... with a little help from my red friend of course.
And now I went and sent this message last night and this man has yet to respond. And he always responds.
I guess it’s whatever at this point. I have to finish packing anyway and catch this flight. -And why on earth did I buy this many books and I only have a carry-on? You know what, you are winning today Chany, just winning... [inner dialogue ends]
Just before take-off
1:02 pm
Hey I hope you got my
message, and if you did
that it wasn’t, uhhh awkward
for you, I guess??
“We suggest that you keep your seat belt fastened throughout the flight, as we may experience turbulence.”
like I said, I
wanted you to know
that you’re important to
me, and I hope
“In the event of decompression, an oxygen mask will automatically appear in front of you”
that after so much time
apart we’re able to
still maintain
our friendship.
“Secure your own oxygen mask before assisting others”
And I hope I didn’t
cross some invisible line
with my message from
last night. Anyway, maybe
I’ll see you when I get back.
[Delivered]
“At this time, your portable electronic devices must be set to airplane mode until an announcement is made upon arrival.”
(Airplane mode. ON)
~
“Ladies and gentlemen, as we start our descent, please make sure your seat backs and tray tables are in their full upright position”
[Inner dialogue]: MY FREAKING NECK. You would think I would have invested in a neck pillow by now as many times as I fly. Nice little trip though. Needed a break, but back to reality Monday.
Man, I’m tired- how am I going to get home I forgot. I should just grab an Uber—OH!
I guess I can hit up the Pop Up before I go home too, but I have all this luggage. Dang, I haven’t even landed yet and I’m already making plans.
Actually let me see what percent my phone is on—
MY PHONE! … the message
—You know what. Whatever happens, happens and if I just stepped in it...well, ok. [inner dialogue ends]
(Airplane mode. Switch. OFF)
[5 Messages]
•Jen
Hey do you know where I can find…
•Katie
Hope you made it back safe, text me whe…
•Best Fraaaan
Why do you never answer the phone! Lol, FT later…
•Madré
Hey, make sure you call your father, and send me…
•You
Hey! No,…
[open]
3:34 pm
Hey! No, not at all... I knocked out
last night, but I got your message
this morning. I woke up
late and flew out the house.
I was running late for work and
left my phone— anyway
it’s a long story and the
whole day I was like…
She’s going to think somethings wrong
Because I’m taking so long to respond!!!
But…
I’ve felt the same exact way.
I feel like even though we’ve been
away from each other for
so long, once we started
to reconnect, it was as if we never
left. We picked up
exactly where we left off and
it’s like we completely understand one
another even though we have
different views on things, we understand
each other’s view perfectly. I want nothing
but the best for you and I know
without a doubt, you want that for me. I
knew that without you telling me. I get
this crazy energy from you. A good
energy of course. I’ve also been able to
talk to you more. There’s like a reassurance
vibe that I get from you. I know you’ll
always be there and I hope you
get that same vibe. I love you too.
I’m looking forward to seeing how our
friendship grows. We’re not disappearing.
So you’re stuck with me!!
[Inner dialogue]: Whew. Thank God! Yeah, you too Brene.
~
[Part Two] of Part Two
One Month Post Message
I can’t count how many dinners we’d had up to this point. By now we had our routine down and I realized that you were the definition of “a creature of habit.” I always knew to tell you dinner was an hour earlier than planned because you were forever running late. You knew that dinner and dessert should never happen at the same place. That night when we finished scraping our plates we headed to the car for the final phase of our routine; where we would sit, staring out the sunroof, and build another conversation to add to our ongoing series- but this one ended differently.
As we talked and hours passed I started to doze off in the passenger seat. You could say that I was taken back when I felt you…
reached over
grab my hand in yours
and sweetly run your thumb across mine…
it was so subtle,
but I knew you.
And at that moment I swear I thought you could hear me thinking. See because you n e v e r touched me. I realize now that you were always very careful and strategic in that sense, and for good reason. You were like Mr. Squeaky Clean around me, which is hilarious, but sometimes we all mirror what we think others need us to be.
I use to think you had some type of insane restraint or just didn’t feel the same way. Now, I think it was more likely that the second-guessing that was constantly playing in my head, was playing in yours too. We always said that in certain aspects, we were the same person. Anyone with eyes could see it when we were together. As if the chemistry were tangible. In fact, I have several memories of times I’d catch people just staring at us when out. How was it so evident to everyone else? It’s funny what becomes clearer in hindsight.
We both understood that we were not “just to kill the time” type of people. I wasn’t just some girl and you weren’t just some guy, at least not to one another. We knew our time together was a retreat from our separate worlds. When together, it was just us in the bubble we constructed. We’d pretend others were allowed to visit or tag along, but we knew. The same we way knew if we ever tried to cross the line from being more than friends, we needed to be sure we could handle who each person truly was when in reality. No one can stay on vacation forever.
We both sat in the car in euphoria and disbelief of what was being poured out of the other person from bottles which had been sealed shut, for so long. When the bottles were empty, and we said all we needed to say, we sat there enamored with the knowledge in our now full cups, and we stumbled over the lines. That night and for months to come as we would try to figure out who and what we were to each other, and what we would want to be.
~
We let all the air out of the bag and for a moment we could breathe, but what do you do when you’re standing in a room filled with hot air and both people are silently choking on their thoughts of what’s just been realized. Feeling both safe, because I’m with you, and slightly terrified, because what if this does not work and I lose you? Our separate pasts holds the proof that neither one of us has a problem cutting people off, and carrying on as if— they never existed. We’ve done it to others who’ve hurt us our entire lives. But that’s not an option with you, remember?
“You’re stuck with me.” - And honestly, I don’t mind.
I was blown away as my mind spun with questions…
How did you have this effect on me?
No one ever shakes me.
Why did our timing always seem to be so off?
Maybe it was always supposed to be like this.
And how do you go from euphoria to terror in a matter of moments?
Because that’s what happened when I realized that being with you, could mean one day losing you.
So do I play it safe, or dare greatly?
[inner dialogue]: Ugh...screw you, Brene Brown