A Series Of Conversations
We both sat in that car in euphoria and disbelief of what was being poured out of the other person from bottles that had been sealed shut, for so long...
Part Three
“You know I love you right”?
[inner dialogue]: What did he just say?…wait, okay.
“I love you too.”
“No— I mean, I LOVE you.”
I’m dreaming. This is really happening?
“Trust me. I know exactly what you mean.”
“Chantel.
“Are you serious”?
Yes.
…
“You’re serious”?
Yesssssssss!
…
“You serious”!?!!
Out loud genius! Speak!
Yes.
“Wow…”
“I’ve loved you for— my entire life.”
“For literally so long.”
“I just never thought you would ever look at me, in that way.”
Here we go…
“What do you mean”?
“You know what I mean.”
You right.
You right.
“How long”?
Huh?
“How long what”?
“How long have you known that you love me”?
Boy…ARE YOU SERIOUS!
“Always. A l w a y s. I cannot remember a time not being completely drawn to you. Even when…
do you remember”—
—”Yeah. I remember. I’ve always remembered,
I thought it was you who forgot.”
~
We spent months going back and forth trying to figure out what this would mean for future “us”. The situation wasn’t exactly black and white and after all, you had comfort calling your name while I lived in a constant state of adaptation. You were the creature of habit and I was the gypsy kid: neither one of us the others version of normal. My life was made of continual cycles of metamorphosis, always changing to match my environment in an effort to survive mentally. My dwelling place has always been on the outside of the box, and yours was inside. While I recognized parts of myself in you, maybe me loving you as much as I still do, and trying to hold on so hard, was a form of me trying to love myself. To prove that someone just like me was worthy of a love that would never give up on them, and never walk away.
Maybe we all love others in the ways we have needed to receive it in the past, but never did...
I paid close attention. Listened to you when you needed an ear. Supported the things you loved. Reassured you that your dreams and ambitions weren’t far fetched or too big. Always showed up when you needed me and even when you didn’t. Encouraged you to dream bigger and made sure you knew that you, as is, were enough.
This is the way I love people.
It was the way I loved you.
But I loved you more than I had ever allowed myself to love anyone else.
Yes, loving you so intensely was partly me trying to love myself and give you want I needed from someone as well. Perhaps I should have just asked you how you need to be loved, but part of me knows that wouldn’t have made a difference. I promise in my effort I did my best to see you, but within the limitations that held us, there was only so much I could do without becoming a person neither one of us wanted to be. So I went back to my side of the line and you to yours.
But we pitched our tents and set up camp just outside one another boarders, always knowing when we needed each other we were there. No questions asked. I’m not sure what the perspective was from your side as you watched me, and I’m not sure if I’ll ever know. I can tell you on mine, watching you dance with “comfort” and living within the confines of your box, in Y O U R W O R L D, was heartbreaking for me in some moments. Not because I didn’t want the best for you I just wanted to be a part of what was best for you- and knowing how we both felt made it more difficult. I didn’t know it would become harder until I received your call after not hearing from you for weeks.
That one call sealed the deal, and I knew right then I would never be a part of your life in the way, I believe we both still held on to deep in the back of our minds. You had been right from the beginning. “Timing is everything”, but time had not once been on our side. Not years ago, and not months ago that night in the car. What was now taking shape had already been forming before we uttered a single word that night. Before the months of trying to figure us out. Before realizing we were better leaving things as they are. Before stepping over and then back across any line. Before still trying to hold on to any hope. You were now a part of something bigger, and I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt- it was time to carry on.
However, this time I couldn’t keep you in the rearview mirror. I had to make you disappear for a while. Just long enough for me to regroup. It wasn’t that I was cutting you off and never wanted to see you again. I knew that we’d still be there in some form. It was reshaping what “being there” would look like in both my mind and heart that was going to take time. I had to do the work on my own. Of course, without me having to explain any of this you understood perfectly.
So, when I asked you to…
Block me, so I had no way to search you or see you
To delete my number, so that you couldn’t reach me
And not to contact me for the next several months, and I would promise to do the same
You replied-
“Ok. I’ll miss you, but I understand.”
“Thank you, and thank for understanding my crazy.”
“We’re both crazy!
That’s why we’ve been friends for so long.
Besides, I know I’ll see you soon. & I regret nothing.
I love you.”
“I love you too.
Bye.”
~
[inner dialouge]: Deep breaths girly. Deeeeep breaths. It’s over over. Nail in coffin- boom. THAT call, that was it. There’s nothing you can do, but be okay. And you are going to be ok.
…
I mean, I’m not sure what I was supposed to gain from all of this. What was the point… and why does it feel like God just played one big cosmic game? It was written before any of this played out, we just didn’t know. How? Hooooooow did no one know?!?!?! Not sure, but at this point none of that matters. I’m just—
…
Alright, alright chill. Don’t dwell and don’t linger. Just, it is what it is, it is what it is, it is what is, it is wh— Wow, why does this hurt so bad. This didn’t change anything. You both had already come to a conclusion before this but still, I can’t—
…
Breathe.
...try to fall asleep.