A Series Of Conversations

Part Four

(you guessed it, several months later)

I don’t believe in fairy tales. I believe in love, actions, and hard work. The very existence of fairy tales, in a way, is cruel. The notion that sitting in a “high tower”, and existing, is enough to be “rescued”, and deeply loved by Prince Charming to live happily ever after-- never appealed to me. Even God demands more than existence. His salvation requires effort. You must believe, repent, confess, receive, endure. We all know there is work involved for salvation- but it’s worth it.

So when You reappeared and time passed.

The conversations got deeper, and intervals between thoughts of you grew smaller.

I couldn’t stop my mind from thinking, could this be the beginning of my version of a fairy tale? Never once did I think of you as Prince Charming. Ask my parents, I’m way too impulsive and rash for a prince, and you were never meant to “save me” from loneliness or anything else really. Besides, I already have a savior, no need for another one. 

But I did see you as hard work.

I saw you as someone I believed in.

To me, you, were worth it.

Worth the effort of my sweat and tears because the end result would be the true magic. When it came to you I gladly skipped the fairy Godmother scenes in my head and I didn’t look for any stars to wish upon. Yet there was this small part of my heart that couldn’t help but wonder if all the “fluff” was true.

 And every time I came to prayer, the girl who doesn’t believe in fairy tales, I would rub that lamp in the back of my mind secretly hoping that maybe you would be the one to change that. Maybe you had the secret pixie dust, and if I closed my eyes, and clapped my hands, and believed hard enough; then maybe all the hoops we jumped through and barricades, that were out of our control, but always found us— were just part of the story. How else could you explain the way our paths crossed again? The way we connected. STILL, rubbing that lap because you’d be my version of a fairy tale after all. Could you imagine telling our story of how it all came together?

For a second, imagine.

If it had worked.

It would have been the quintessential story of “ t i m i n g i s e v e r y t h i n g ”

Yet, still with that lamp. Hoping that what I felt in my gut was wrong, because how could everything have come back together the way it did. Then suddenly, I came back to myself and would remember that God is no genie, and that anything worth having requires effort, and extreme effort is often conjoint with pain, but I like being down in the mud

where the work gets d o n e.

 I understood there was a difference between optimism and delusion, and I had no interest in lying to myself. I only wanted what was real so I had to be honest and ask...

Would I be willing to set my alarms, wake up every morning, no days off,  with zero guarantees of a return on my investment, and put in the work it would take to be with you? Could I really roll up my sleeves, get down in the dirt, and be willing to be hurt by you? You can’t do hard labor and expect no residual cuts. I never got to answer that question- but ask me if I’ve ever considered such things for anyone else? 

I remember the exact moment we both realized what we meant to each other because we had finally said it. I often think, did God laugh because He knew things that were happening elsewhere, being formed by His hands, that neither of could have ever fathomed in that moment! Then I tell myself with or without that most precious element neither one of us ever intended in leaving our worlds and stepping into the others. We were only comfortable at their borders. I had the answer to my question after all—No.

It’s okay. Admitting that doesn’t lessen how much we care.

Remember when I said I did things for you I had never done for others. For You, I was selfless to an extent I never thought I could be. Caring for someone in the way I cared, and still care for you, is honestly a feat I didn’t think I was capable of. There’s a lot I still don’t know, but I did learn this. 

You can love someone deeply and not be in love with them, or rather not be for them. 

I think I always knew this…now,

I’ve experienced it. I’ve come through it. I’m okay with it.

And that’s completely different.

Today, the intervals between thoughts of you has grown and continues to expand. It’s been a while since we’ve heard from each other but I’m sure you’re well. Though I don’t love you, you more than anyone know that I love you. If there’s one thing that’s changed over time is that when I look back at that exact moment when I often felt like God was playing some joke, because of how everything played out, I’m now more grateful than ever.

We both know the whole truth, and neither one of us ever has to wonder as we did for so many years. We finally removed our blindfolds, and with the cracked shells beneath our soles, spoke the full unfiltered truth and listened to the cosmic no that hung over our heads the entire time. By some miracle, we made it through to the other side. Thank you for the love you showed and continue to show me through your actions, even if that meant us being apart for a little while. Thank you for being just as realistic as me even when it cut deep and hurt my feelings. At least you knew I could take it- which was better than being coddled like some navie princess who can’t hold her own.

Mainly thank you for the conversations, more so for what they revealed to me about myself. (Hmm, guess I’m selfish too). Like, I said… don’t be a stranger because you’re always welcomed at my table. All my guests are a little different. Besides, they’re stuck with me too. 

I still don’t believe in fairy tales. I now do believe that I am capable of truly selfless love at least to some extent. One day loving someone that deeply won’t mean letting them go like I had to do with you. Instead, we’ll get to roll up our sleeves and put in the hard work, sweat, and tears for one another and get to see the magic at the end.

~

Epilogue

I will never forget wondering what I was supposed to learn from all this. Nothing is a coincidence and people don’t enter your life by accident. There’s always a purpose.

After allowing myself to have a break and process things I decided I’m glad our paths only look different, as opposed to having them never cross again. As we’ve both carried on I’ve realized if I hadn’t loved You in the way that I did; openly, and fully allowing myself to feel every intense wave of emotion that came with getting through it all... today, I may have never been open to allowing myself to start falling for Him. Though he and I are, not yet, where we were, it’s already different in the ways it needs to be.

After You, I navigate differently, and I will never be able to fully express how grateful I am. I am different, and I can see the effects. No matter how things go I’m most grateful for how fearlessly I approach situations that once left me feeling truly paralyzed.

I’ll forever love you for that.

~

“Chantel I love you so much and I don’t take back anything. I don’t regret anything, and I needed what we went through. I hope you did too. It was a life-changing experience for me, just like you learned things about yourself, so did I. Someone loving me without it just being words, but showing me, is something I can honestly say I’ve never experienced without you.”

“I am so incredibly grateful for you and our bubble, and yes all that it taught me as well. And that’s exactly how I would describe it. Life-changing. You changed my life for the better”!

.

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