[draft one_ unpublished] knocking patiently

Knocking Patiently

Draft One

(Houston, TX | 4.4.20|  4:45 pm)

I’d be a liar if said I was expecting this.

It wouldn’t have crossed my mind to want you in this way.

I never viewed you negatively. 

It was more like, I never saw you.

I walk with blinders on in an effort to keep my attention solely focused on the things I’ve dreamt about becoming.

So focused, I often miss what’s right in front of me.

I saw the efforts you made at the beginning. 

At first, I’d chuckle

Flattered, but think

“How sweet and naive, he has no idea”

For strangers, I keep it light

& back then that’s what you were, even still today.

Maybe you were captured by look

And even a little excited by my strength.

But never once did I think you could 

Swim in the depth that is me. 

Survive in the currents of my emotions.

I can’t put my finger on when it happened but

You’ve proved me wrong.

Along the way, I tripped 

Tumbling into you.

You showed me a part of you

Finally without all the fronting and trying so hard.

Let’s be honest…

That got old, and I’m too old for that shit.

You showed off your intellect in the humblest way 

You did your best to try and understand me 

&

You hit the target

You probably don’t even know how,

Or what you said… and continue to say

That’s what made it better

It was organic.

It came from you.

No hidden agenda just your truth.

To quote Lauryn Hill, quoting God,

Let me patient

Let me kind

& concerning you

Make me unselfish

Without being blind

I’ve been thinking to myself how can I 

Tell Him

I’m sorry, but thank you.

I’m sorry for my hot and cold pendulum attitude &

Thank you for never punishing me for it.

But you misunderstood 

My swings from left to right are not my feelings swinging left and right,

hot and cold, for you…

Those are fixed.

I know where I stand.

Those  kinetic to potential shifts

Have only to do with our current circumstances.

I’m trying my best, but the two people inside me often argue,

The dualism that dwells within

I know you understand

Outsiders label it- crazy, hyper, too much, etc.

There have been times I listened 

Believing their lies

And when I unintentionally echoed them to you

You heard me and reassured me the opposite was the truth.

So while one side of me feels complete peace

And knows we’ll be fine...

The other side says

This makes no sense

 It doesn’t.

Way too much, and too soon

Maybe.

You don’t really know each other

We don’t.

You’re young and there’s no need to be so wrapped up in someone, like this, so soon.

True.

But I don’t care.

Because that first side,

That side  that’s at peace,

She’s usually the one that makes me jump with the blindfold on

And do scary good things.

I’m learning to trust my intuition…

It’s through trial and error I’ve learned it’s never wrong

And when I follow through 

Rather than second guessing

Magic happens in the most unexpected way,

But on one condition

I’m not allowed to touch what’s being worked on.

I can’t force it

or speed up to the ending.

And I’m impatient

My impatience doesn’t stem from wanting things my way

It stems from extreme joy and excitement.

Being so hopeful about where you know you’re going,

I become the kid in the back of the car gleefully asking 

Are we there yet?!

Forgetting to enjoy the ride

And wearing down the people trying to get me there.

I’ve learned I have to allow myself to go where the unexpected takes me.

I’m learning to be okay with the discomfort I feel in the waiting.

I’m trying not to flip between extremes in the process.

So,

I’m letting go of the steering wheel 

In an effort to let my intuition do its thing

In the appropriate timing.

I know what I know

Other’s opinions are irrelevant.

& as you see me living my life through your screen 

Know this to your core

I’m not getting out of the car. 

I’m going to let you drive 

Tell me how you want to do this, 

And I’ll do it.

More space? Fine.

No space? Great.    

Take our time? Absolutely.

Less talking? If you say.

More talking? Always down.

Just friends? 

Hope it doesn’t turn out that way. 

Wait?

…Okay.

While I’m waiting for full access

To the previews of yourself, you’ve shown…

Know.

I’m here knocking.

Patiently.