A lot of people start to think of the end of their life when they are older, sick, or in the midst of a mid-life crisis. I have thought about the day I would die since elementary school. Before you call me, get out the oil, or think I'm on some early 2000's emo trip just keep reading. 

When I was smaller we had a video camera. The kind that would record on tapes. I would take that camera to my room and record myself telling stories or just sharing parts of my day. I didn't record these videos out of boredom. They were very intentional. You see, when I was a kid I always had this feeling that I would run out of time. Like literally, I would run out of life before the world thought I was supposed to (aka die young). No, I wasn't in any danger, and the notion didn't even scare me as strange as that might sound. For some reason, still unknown to me today, I just thought; man I really can pass away at any age and there be no explanation. My family would probably often question why, and wonder what my life would have been if such a thing were to happen. Thus, the tapes. 

I recorded these videos with the intention of them being memories for my family to look back on. This was before we all recorded our lives via apps ya know. No, I have no idea where those tapes are today, but I'm sure if I were to look at them today I would think; my gosh I was such a weirdo. I even recorded a few joke and funny stories and thought "they could play these clips at my funeral" Bruh, what- I was seriously so concerned about people being sad if I were to die, I wanted to make them laugh by cracking a few jokes at my own funeral. On a cassette tape -_- Imagine if YouTube had been around then, what would I have called it. Jokes from beyond the grave? Don't be sad I'm gone, I just had a feeling? #okhannahbaker (yes, if there are any psych students reading this feel free to call me so we can work through that one, anyway). 

Today I am not haunted by the thoughts of dying at any moment quite like I was when I was little, but the thought is still very much there. Again, no I'm not in any harms way. We have to understand that it's a natural part of life, and yes death can happen at any age (fair or not). Please let me clarify, when I was younger I did not want to die I was just aware that it could happen. This thought, the dying thought, has significantly affected the way I live. 

It changes the way you operate when you realize your time on Earth is not promised. Not the next day. The next hour. Not your next breath. The thought of not getting to live as many years as others have made me want to use the time I do have wisely. I try my best not to let my mind get caught up in the small things that won't matter years down the road. I do my best to make people smile because that is how I would want them to remember. Bringing light rather than darkness. I push through fear because it is nothing more than a lock on the imaginary prison so many people keep themselves in, in their minds.

Choose joy and laughter rather than bitterness and anger.

Show compassion not hate.

Seek Gods direction and don't be swept up by every new religion that blows your way.

Push past fear and anxiety and embrace courage.

Connect with those around you and serve others and not always self.

I could hit "save and publish" lay my head down tonight and be gone forever. The only thing I would want to be sure of is that I lived a life that was pleasing to God. Not the life everyone one see's, but the life that He see's when I'm alone and in my own mind. Was He pleased? And did I show compassion and love others? Truly love them without conditions or expectations?

There are a lot of things we all want. I know there are things I want, but I may not get. One day I would love to be married and have kids. Grow old and live to see my grandkids, but none of that may happen (sorry mom). God is still good! Running out of time doesn't scare me because one day all of our numbers will be up. Not having enough time isn't the issue. We all have 60 seconds in a minute, and 24 hours in a day. It's making sure I am spending mine the right way. THAT is what I am always conscious of, and asking myself. Am I making use of the time God has given me? It's not that there isn't enough. There's plenty, no matter how cheated you feel. In God's sovereignty, everyone is given the time they are needed. I have to ask Him each day to show me how to spend mine and pray it makes an impact for Him. 

{Midnight ramblings from the girl who couldn't sleep}